The thing about having a life long condition is you always have appointments. I'm getting better at condensing my appointments so they only disrupt one week of my life every month or so instead of disrupting every week. Sometimes you have zero control over your appointment days and times, and you have to take what you get and roll with it. This week was one of those weeks for me.
I originally had a follow up Plastic Surgeon appointment for my reconstruction, booked four months previous. The Breast Clinic called mid week to say they had an appointment for me for my annual mammogram and ultrasound (which was 3 months overdue, due to backlogs as a result of lockdowns). After much juggling and shuffling of appointment times, my 20min Surgeon appointment was now a 1 hour 30min boob extravaganza.
Mammograms are pretty straight forward. You go in, you let the technician manoeuvre you into position and you awkwardly hold onto the machine and hold your breath for the 10 seconds it takes to take the images. For me the most uncomfortable thing is the way your neck gets craned - you push your chest into the machine but your head gets pushed away thanks to some perspex glass. Mammograms don't hurt, they are awkward and inconvenient for about 30 seconds all up.
Ultrasounds are just like any other ultrasound you would have, but on your boobs.
This was the most stressful part of my boob extravaganza appointment. Once you have cancer your ultrasound technician will talk to you as they go about the things they see, compare images to past ultrasounds and tell you in general what they are thinking about the what they see. This appointment was not that for me.
It was dead silent from the technician, this may have been due to the fact the other lady in the room (she's like an assistant to the technician - gets you in correct position, makes small talk etc..) well she was intent on having a good yarn about her weekend plans.
I've had enough ultrasounds to know that when they pause on one spot for a longer than usual that they have seen something. Now this lady hovered over one spot longer than usual. She moved on but again came back to the spot for a lengthy pause. In my head I was thinking...
'You have to be fucking kidding me. It's back, in my good boob?! *brain explosion* followed immediately by.. I am not prepared to cope with this today, why did I agree to the Friday evening appointment, why did I come by myself? Janine always says never to come by myself!!!!'
The technician moved on to the other side, this was much faster as I have the implant on that side, so not a lot to see. They check the space between the implant and the skin. Once she was finished with that side she said "Just stay here I want to go and check your past ultrasounds and mammograms to compare something. Usually the dreaded 'wait here' feels like an eternity, but she was back relatively quickly - was this good or bad? "Nope, all good. I'm confident that you are all clear, you can go".
Now for most people those words would provide instant comfort and relief, but not for this girl. I have been burnt before, told something was nothing and that 'nothing' turned out to be a necrotic cancerous lesion on my liver.
Ultrasounds get double read, so I will have the report on Monday or Tuesday, and then I will be relieved if they have the same opinion, but until then.. I won't actually be able to relax.
In my mind I know it's insane to worry, it should be nothing. Between the amount of drugs I take and the fact I just had a PET/CT not even two months ago, it should be clear. But that's the tricky thing about cancer - it finds ways to outsmart and overcome the drugs and begin growing again. It gets drummed into you when you are stage 4 that, that day will come, it will progress. I stubbornly refuse to believe it, I'm sure that's just a coping mechanism because the reality of thinking about that breaks my heart and drags up all the emotions and feelings from the first time around. Those feelings never leave you, they just lie beneath the surface like a dormant volcano bubbling away but hidden from the world - is this cancer PTSD? probably. It's also a lesson in, you never know what someone else is going through, so be kind.
I'll updated this post when I get my results. Until then check yourself! June 1st is coming up, set a reminder in your calendar to check your boobs the 1st of every month - man or woman. And if your curious or concerned check out the Breast Cancer Foundation's great website; https://www.breastcancerfoundation.org.nz/breast-awareness/breast-changes/check-your-breasts
Update...
Don't worry guys, the boobs are all good! The report came back all clear, ultrasound and mammogram... tick. Thanks for all the concern and kind words, it's nice to feel loved.
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